Missing: One Very Valuable Cocky
The Age
Tuesday April 28, 1998
READER NOTE: Welcome to your interactive newspaper. The following article was written in a 1920s Chicago accent. Please read it aloud from the corner of your mouth.
OK, guys. I just been on da phone to da boss and he says we gotta pull da job tonight, see. Dere's some bird we have to steal down at da zoo. Shaddap willya, Pugnose. At least you'll get to visit ya family.
OK, here's da plan. We make like, real quiet, like. We climb over da Melbourne Zoo wall and into da area where da public ain't allowed ta be. Ain't no one gunna be around 'coz it's Saturday night, see. Dere's a bird cage there and it's got a cockatoo innit. A
Mo-lucc-an cockatoo.
Hey, egghead, what's dat word?
"I believe it is known as cacatua moluccensis and is regarded as an endangered species. It is a native of the Moluccan Islands. Generally found with white plumage, with the underparts of the crest deep salmon pink. It also . . . "
Yeah, dat's enough. Da boss wants us to take dis egghead guy wit' us so we don't stuff up. All you guys need to know is dat da boss says she's worth more than 20 grand. She's owned by da Commonwealth of Australia 'coz dey think she was smuggled in here illegally. Dere's only 10 of 'em in dis whole country.
Da boss said dis bird's called Molly even though dey got no idea what sex she is. Dey gotta do surgery on 'em to find out what sex dey are.
So we get dis bird, see. We gotta get her tonight 'coz in two weeks dey ship her out to Singapore, see. Tell 'em a little more, egghead.
"Molly is a friendly bird so you should have no problems in taking her. There is a large black market in exotic birds - and she is worth a considerable sum. The curator of the birds and native mammals at the zoo, a Mr Peter Courtney, is quite attached to her, although he has agreed to send her to the Jurong Bird Park in Singapore in a fortnight to become part of a special breeding program.
"Molly is also only one of 10 Moluccan cockatoos on the National Exotic Birds Registration Scheme set up 18 months ago as part of the Federal Government's bid to crack down on the illegal trade in our native birds, as well as those being smuggled in by some wealthy private collectors. One other point you should know is that . . ."
Enough, already, wit' da brainy stuff, pal. Listen up, goombahs. Shorty, you're gunna go through da wall of da cage. It's wire, so we'll cut it open for ya and ya can slip through. Den you just grab da bird and we make, like, real quick back over da fence, and get outta dere. And don't worry. Dey ain't gunna find you by your footprints 'coz it's raining and they'll wash away.
Everyone got it? Ok, let's go.
A DAY LATER . . .
Squawk. Shut the door. Squawk. Hello. Squawk. Shut the door. Hello. Shut the door. Squawk.
Gimme a break, willya. Can't anyone shut dat bird up? It never stops and it keeps sayin' da same damn thing. It's just like my mudda-in-law. Why didn't ya tell us it was like dis, egghead?
"Well, I tried. Molly is a friendly bird who knows a few phrases and is also quite clever - she could unlock her door and stroll out of her large cage at the zoo if the latch wasn't closed properly."
Well, pal, ya better do somethin' to shut her up. We got da cops from da Carlton CIB crawling all over da case and da zoo has even notified da state and Federal autorities. If we get caught I'm gunna blame you. I don't wanna face da beak in court again.
© 1998 The Age
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